Genesis 32:1-21; Genesis 33:1-19
28 June, 1998
Essentials to Reconciliation
INTRODUCTION
I love the Spanish story of a father and son who had become estranged. The son had run away from home, and the father set off to find him. He searched for his son for months but to no avail. Finally, in a last desperate effort to find him, the father put an ad in a Madrid newspaper. The ad read like this: Dear Paco, meet me in front of this newspaper office at noon on Saturday. All is forgiven. I love you. Your Father.
On that Saturday, 800 young men named Paco showed up in front of that newspaper office, looking for forgiveness and love from their fathers. (Bits & Pieces, October 15, 1992, Page 13)
We are a people who can easily find ourselves at odds with and separated from those who at one time we were close to. Fathers become estranged from their sons. Mothers find themselves at odds with their daughters. Friends of long lasting relationships find themselves divided and at odds with one another..
At some point, we have to decide like that father did, that the time has come to work towards reconciliation. We have to decide whether or not we are going to let things fester or whether we are going to work towards making things right. And as we come back to the account of Jacob and Esau, in Genesis 32 and 33, we come to deal with that very issue - the issue of reconciliation.
CONTEXT
We find Jacob now returning the Bethel as God had instructed him. His ordeal with Laban behind him, he now faces a new challenge - a face to face encounter with his estranged brother Esau. He and Esau have not seen each other in many years. The last time they did, it was not a pleasant departure. Esau's last words directed to his brother to Jacob came through his mother Rebekah when she told Jacob, "Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you." With those words probably still ringing in his ears, Jacob is now about to meet his brother face to face. And as he is going on his way, he is met by the angels of God, which gave him the reassurance that God was still with him. And with that reassurance he sends his messengers to Esau and prepares to deal with this long standing estrangement. It was time to let bygones be bygones. From a human standpoint, Esau had been ripped off and Jacob was the "ripper off-er". Even though he got what was intended for him to have according to God's plan, he obtained in a way that God very likely did not intend. And now it was all coming to a head between he and his brother. This scenario in the life of Jacob and Esau is a beautiful example of how reconciliation can be a reality in a relationship regardless of what caused the problem in the first place. If two brothers can be reconciled after being separated in such a damaging way, reconciliation can be a reality for anyone.But there are some very important essentials that must take place in that process of reconciliation. There are some very important dynamics that must be a part of the act of reconciliation.
1. COMPLETE DEPENDENCE UPON GOD - 32:7-12
After all that Jacob had seen by way of God's intervention, he was still having a hard time depending on God but that is exactly what God wanted him to do. Jacob had been through so much up to this point and he had seen God bring him through so many ordeals and still he was having a hard time depending on God to see him through yet another trial. And that is exactly what this situation was in Jacob's life. It was a real test of faith. Jacob's messengers returned with the message that Esau was coming to meet him and that he had 400 men with him. I would say that would call for a great amount of faith on the part of Jacob. He was really going to have to depend on God to get him through this ordeal. Not knowing what to expect from his brother - probably expecting him to be harboring a great amount of animosity, God was the only One who would be able to deliver him. God was the only One who would be able to bring about any kind of reconciliation.
Restoring a damaged relationship is something that God can only do because many times it calls for a change of heart on both sides - and God is the only One who can change someone's heart. You can even see that in the way that Jacob's heart had been transformed along his journey. And for that very reason, in the attempt to mend a relationship that has been severed, we need to completely depend on God to do what we cannot do.
This chapter in Jacob's life is an example of how we must completely depend upon God in this kind of a situation. And from this part of Jacob's struggle we can see two things about depending upon God even in the mending of a relationship.
First of all, we can see that it...
a. Begins with Urgent Prayer
Even though Jacob was gripped with fear and panic and a certain amount of despair, and it was his emotional state that led him to cry out to God: Jacob reminds God of the promise of blessing. Jacob acknowledges his own unworthiness and God's faithfulness and he appeals to God for safety and protection. He throws himself upon the mercy of God
Prayer is so important in this process of reconciliation. It is in the context of prayer that we acknowledge our need of God, that God is the only One who can really bring about the desired results. It is in the context of prayer that we need to ask God to make it clear to us how we contributed to the problem. Before we even step out we need to come to God for Him to lead us in such a matter as this. It may be that we need to repent any wrong doing on our part. It is there in prayer that we ask God to change our heart toward the individual.
b. Involves Minimal Human Ingenuity
Guilt and fear will make a person go beyond what is necessary to mend a relationship. That seems to be the case here with Jacob. Though Jacob wanted to believe that God was going to protect him and intervene in this situation, he was still determined to use his own ingenuity to solve the problem himself. He came up with a way to bargain with his brother and protect his family. Though he prayed to the his Sovereign Lord, he still expected and planned for the worse. Jacob's guilt and fear caused him to do what so many of us do in this kind of a situation - panic - and it was a panic that drove him to figure out a way to fix the situation himself.
A sign that is seen in a textile mill reads, "When your thread becomes tangled, call the foreman." So this young woman, who was new on the job, found herself with her thread being tangled up and she thought, "I'll just straighten this out myself." She tried, but the situation only worsened. So finally she called the foreman. When the foreman arrived, she said, "I did the best I could." The foreman said, "No you didn't. To have done your best, you should have called me."
There is certainly a part that we play in that process of reconciliation. We certainly cannot just sit back and expect God to wave a magic wand a fix things.
But we need to be careful in how we plan and devise some kind of scheme of our own to right a wrong.
2. AN ATTITUDE OF HUMILITY - 33:1-3
What if Jacob had approached the situation with an attitude of arrogance? What if he had taken advantage of being the recipient of the blessing? What if he had considered himself superior because he was the chosen one and Esau wasn't? What if he had acted as if he was justified in everything he did? I think the situation might have turned out a lot different. It may be that he and Esau would have never come to a point of reconciliation.
But notice what Jacob did. He treated his brother Esau as the older and more honored person. He referred to him as his master in 32:4 and in 33:8, he refers to him as "my lord." And in the custom of the Oriental, he bowed before his brother three times which indicated an attitude of great respect. In other words, Jacob's attitude toward his brother was one of humility.
And notice what Esau does! He ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they both wept. There is a lot to this particular part of their encounter and humility is a big part of it. They both had an attitude of humility.
Pride is probably the one thing that keeps us at odds with one another. Pride will keep us from admitting we were wrong. Pride will keep us from accepting someone's apology. Pride will cause us to demand our rights. Pride will definitely be the ruin of any chance of reconciliation.
Many, many years ago, a Christian professor by the name of Stuart Blackie of the University of Edinburgh was listening to his students as they presented oral readings. When one young man rose to begin his recitation, he held his book in the wrong hand. The professor thundered at the young man, "Take your book in your right hand, and be seated!" And at this harsh rebuke, the student held up his right arm. He didn't have a right hand! The other students in the class room shifted uneasily in their chairs and for a moment the professor hesitated. Then he made his way to the student, put his arm around him, and with tears streaming from his eyes, said, "I never knew about it. Please, will you forgive me?" His humble apology made a lasting impact on that young man. This story was told some time later in a large gathering of believers. At the close of the meeting a man came forward, turned to the crowd, and raised his right arm which ended at the wrist. He said, "I was that student and Professor Blackie led me to Christ. But he never could have done it if he had not made the wrong right."
Pride would have never let that professor acknowledge to that young man that he was wrong. And pride would have never let Jacob and Esau be reconciled in such a dramatic way. And pride will definitely keep you and me from being reconciled to those we may be at odds with.
3. A DESIRE TO RECONCILE - 32:3-5; 33:4-11
It's obvious that Jacob wanted to make things right with his brother. Though he went about it in way that was unnecessary, and whatever his motive was, his purpose was clear - to make things right.
But whatever his motive, he really wanted to be at peace with his brother. Jacob was willing to do just about anything at this point to be reconciled with Esau. And it is also obvious that Esau wanted the same thing. But from Esau's standpoint, it wasn't necessary for Jacob to give him all these gifts. It wasn't necessary for Jacob to try and earn his favor. But Esau, too, wanted to be at peace with his brother so much that he did not make an issue of it and accepted the gifts.
Those of you who are familiar with the world of literature have no doubt heard of the poet, Elizabeth Barrett. You may know that a childhood accident caused her to lead a life as a semi-invalid before she married Robert Browning in 1846. But there is more to her story that you may not know. In her youth, Elizabeth had been watched over by her tyrannical father. And when she and Robert were married, their wedding was held in secret because of her father's disapproval. After the wedding the Brownings sailed for Italy, where they lived for the rest of their lives. But even though her parents had disowned her, Elizabeth never gave up on the relationship. Almost weekly she wrote them letters but not once did they reply. After 10 years, she received a large box in the mail. Inside, Elizabeth found all of her letters; not one had been opened! Today those letters are among the most beautiful in classical English literature. Had her parents only read a few of them, their relationship with Elizabeth might have been restored. (Daily Walk, May 30, 1992 I.H. Marshall, Jesus the Savior, IVP, 1990, p.259ff)
What made this woman write those letters almost every week for 10 years? It was here deep desire to be reconciled with her parents! How bad do you want that damaged relationship to be repaired? Even though your efforts may be futile, to what extent are you willing to go to be at peace with someone? Is that relationship valuable enough to you that you really want to get things cleared up and put behind you? It is against our human nature to put a past hurt behind us. And for that reason, we must put forth an effort which calls for a sincere desire to be reconciled.
4. A WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE - 33:8-15
If a relationship is to be healed, there has to be 100% forgiveness. Whoever has been hurt has to be willing to forgive the offender. Humanly speaking, Esau had been wronged.
Forgiveness means that...
a. We don't demand an explanation
It is interesting that Jacob tried to give an explanation for why he had deceived his brother. And what is more interesting is how Esau did not even ask for an such an explanation. He could have demanded that Jacob explain why he did what he did in stealing the blessing. But he never did.
Sometimes an explanation is a moot point. What has been done is done. The past cannot be changed. And an explanation is usually pointless.
I think of the prodigal son's father. When the son returned home, the father did not demand an explanation as to where his son had been or what he had been doing. And even when his son tried to offer an explanation, his father would hardly let him talk. Why? Because the only thing that really mattered was that his son was home. Everything else at that point didn't matter.
Maybe we demand an explanation because we have made up our mind to offer forgiveness only if we accept that explanation.
Sometimes an explanation may be in order, but if we really willing to forgive, we won't demand it - the same way that Jesus did not demand an explanation of the woman caught in adultery. He just forgave her.
And forgiveness also means that...
b. We don't expect compensation
Notice how Esau did not expect all the gifts his brother was offering him. Esau wasn't looking for compensation. He wasn't looking to be compensated for all the pain he had suffered. He wasn't expecting Jacob to make up for all that he had lost. He was so willing to put this issue behind them and forgive his brother that compensation wasn't necessary.
Max Lucado, in his book The Grip of Grace, tells the story of a man name Kevin Tunell. Let me tell you that story as Max relates in his book: "Each week Kevin Tunell is required to mail a dollar to a family he'd rather forget. They sued him for $1.5 million but settled for $936, to be paid a dollar at a time. The family expects the payment each Friday so Tunell won't forget what happened on the first Friday of 1982. That's the day their daughter was killed. Tunell was convicted of manslaughter and drunken driving. He was seventeen. She was eighteen. Tunell served a court sentence. He also spent seven years campaigning against drunk driving, six years more than his sentence required. But he keeps forgetting to send the dollar.The weekly restitution is to last until the year 2000. Eighteen years. Tunell makes the check out to the victim, mails it to her family, and the money is deposited in a scholarship fund.The family has taken him to court four times for failure to comply. After the most recent appearance, Tunell spent thirty days in jail. He insists he's not defying the order but rather is haunted by the girl's death and tormented by the reminders. He offered the family two boxes of checks covering the payments until the year 2001, one year more than required. They refused, It's not the money they seek, but penance.Quoting the mother, 'We want to receive the check every week on time. He must understand we are going to pursue this until August of the year 2000. We will go back to court every month if we have to.' " (In the Grip of Grace, by Max Lucado. page 149,150)
How much is enough? How much does one have to pay penance before forgiveness is offered. The anger that this family feels over the loss of their daughter is certainly understandable. But when it is all said and done, will all those payments be enough to heal the wounds? Certainly this man needed to be held accountable for his actions. But as Brother Max Lucado points out, when this family receives that final payment, will they be at peace? How much is enough?
How much do you require of that person who has offended you before you will offer forgiveness? To what extent do you hang a wrong over someone's head before you let it go?
If you were Esau, would you have forgiven Jacob?
CONCLUSION
Jacob and Esau did in fact part company after this encounter but they did so at peace with one another. Jacob told his brother that he would meet up with him in Seir but that meeting never took place. Instead Jacob brought his journey to an end, finally at Succoth. But he did so knowing that he and his brother were no longer at odds. God had done such a work of grace in the life of Jacob and even Esau that brought them back together after many, many years of being separated.
Let me close with, what I believe is a very sad story and one that is probably true of many people. A nurse who worked in a nursing home tells of an attractive, elderly lady whom she was caring when she was on duty one night. She says the elderly woman's expression was troubled as their conversation turned to from the temporal to the eternal and she spoke about a deep hurt that had surfaced during the course of their conversation."She told of how her brother had approached her hospital bed one day, accusing her of taking more than her share of family heirlooms following their mother's death. He spoke of various items, ending with the berry spoon. He said, 'I want to the berry spoon.' For the forty years since the parents' death he had hidden his feelings, and now they erupted. She was both hurt and angered by his accusation and vowed never to forgive him. 'It's my spoon. It was given to me,' she defended herself. 'He's wrong and I won't forgive him.'"This nurse stated that standing at the bedside of this embittered elderly woman, she felt her spirit soften and grieve. She said to herself, "A spoon...a berry spoon. In the bed before me lay a woman given two months to live - sixty days - and she would face eternity and never see her only her brother again in this life. Her mind and spirit were in anguish and her only remaining family tie was broken over a berry spoon."She said, "As I returned to my nurse's station, I was drawn deep into thought. How many berry spoons were there in my life? How many things, as insignificant as a spoon, in light of eternity, separate me from a full communion with God? How much lack of forgiveness keeps me from fellowship with others? I could only ask God to search my heart. How many berry spoons in my life?" (Pulpit Helps, June 1991, page 18)
How about you? What is standing between you and someone else? How long will you let it go before you do what is necessary to be reconciled to that to someone?