03 May, 1998
INTRODUCTION
Two men who lived in a small village got into a terrible dispute that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to the town sage. The first man went to the sage's home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the sage said, "You're absolutely right." The next night, the second man called on the sage and told his side of the story. The sage responded, "You're absolutely right."
Afterward, the sage's wife scolded her husband. "Those men told you two different stories and you told them they were absolutely right. That's impossible -- they can't both be absolutely right." The sage turned to his wife and said, "You're absolutely right." Interpersonal conflict is inevitable. At some point, we all will find ourselves in the middle of some sort of conflict with someone else. We can handle it one of two ways - we can run from it or we can face it. And how we face it and deal with it is very important.
Jacob found himself in the middle of a situation with his uncle Laban. It all began when Jacob decided it was time to go back home. It was a decision that was based on two issues:
This decision does not set well with Laban and the pursuit begins - a pursuit that turns into a heated situation.
This narrative is filled with the sovereign work of God in Jacob's life and how God worked to get him back to the land of his people. But there is a human side to this situation that cannot be ignored. It is a lesson in how to deal with human conflict. And I cannot help but believe that Jacob would look back on his life and see the lessons that we all need to learn in dealing with interpersonal conflict. So I would like us to look at the human side of this situation and see what we can learn from the conflict that ensued between Jacob and Laban.
1. DON'T IGNORE DIVINE WARNINGS - 31:24
God was not about to let anyone get in the way of the plans He had for Jacob - not even Laban. And so He intervenes in this situation to protect Jacob from whatever Laban was planning on doing. The basic warning that God gave to Laban was that he not use anything within his power, whether good or bad to keep Jacob from following through with his plans. And Laban was enough of a God fearing man that he did not ignore God's warning. He very likely could have done what was necessary to stop Jacob in his tracks. But God intervened and Laban listened.
We have been given so many warnings and instructions in God's Word as to how to deal with any and every situation we face - including situations that involved conflict. If we want to resolved a situation in a healthy manner, we had better handle the situation the way God instructs us to handle it. Probably the most practical warnings and teachings on dealing with conflict is in the Book of Proverbs. But as Solomon writes in the beginning of that book: "...let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance--for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise. (Prov 1:5-6)
2. BE HONEST REGARDING YOUR MOTIVES - 31:26-28
It is quite possible that Laban is not being totally honest about his motives regarding the way Jacob left. He claims to have wanted to give Jacob and his daughters a proper sending off. He makes it sound like he would have be in favor of Jacob leaving when it is more likely that he wanted Jacob to stay and be his slave so that he himself might be the benefactor of God's blessing. Jacob had been hard worker for Laban. Back in 30:27, Laban confesses that he wanted Jacob to stay because the Lord had blessed him through Jacob. And now he makes it sound like he was okay with Jacob leaving but wanted to send them off with a celebration. And he even uses this series of questions as a rebuke of Jacob's thoughtlessness.
We need to ask ourselves what our real motive is for wanting to make things right with another person? Is our motive to be reconciled because it is the right thing to do or simply to ease our conscience and make ourselves feel better. Do we want to resolve the conflict because of selfish reasons - maybe to make ourselves look better (pride) or do we want to do it because it is the right thing to do.
3. AVOID USING UNNECESSARY THREATS - 31:29
It almost sounds like Laban is saying here, "You are lucky that the Lord stepped in and stopped me because it is in my power to do you harm." And maybe he did have such power to bring about harm to Jacob but at this juncture it seemed to be a mute point. It makes you wonder if his statement was necessary.
A recent newspaper article reports about a man who mailed his priest a letter. When the priest opened the letter, he found inside a bullet with a note that read, "Use this and do us all a favor." And then there was about 50 rounds of 9mm bullets found scattered around the church building. All because the man was upset because the church school was being closed.We may not make threats like that but we do have a few of our own.
Obviously, nothing good can come from making threats.
4. BE SURE OF THE FACTS BEFORE YOU MAKE ACCUSATIONS - 31:30
How could Laban be so sure that Jacob had stolen the family idols. How could he be so sure that he had been ripped off by his nephew/son-n-law. And yet, assuming that Jacob was the one who stole the idols. It is not clear that Jacob actually knew that Rachael had taken the household idols (31:19,20). But Laban was convinced that he had. And though he searched the place, Rachel was able to keep the goods from being found.
I wonder how many relationships have been ruined because someone did not all the facts straight before making an accusation.
When I was in youth ministry, I decided to host a Christian rock concert for our youth group and for the neighborhood teens. We arranged for a local group from Butler to come in called "Project Exodus." Being that this idea did not go over to well to have it in the church, we decided to have it at the local fire hall. And being that this group was considered to be a "heavy metal" Christian rock group, made matters worse. And the rumors started flying. Before I knew it, I was bringing a nationally known group called Stryper to town. Accusations were made before facts we known.And when that happens, it heightens the intensity of the conflict. We need to be careful how we accuse others before we know all the facts and even then, great care should be taken.
5. GUARD AGAINST BEING PROVOKED - 31:36,37
There are two words used here that gives you an idea of how Jacob was provoked.
First of all, there is the word angry. This word is related to a rare Aramaic root meaning "to cause fire to burn" and it is related to an Arabic term meaning "burning sensation in the throat." The Hebrew verb is always used on anger and it emphasizes the "kindling of anger, like the kindling of a fire or the heat of the anger started."
Secondly there is the word rebuke and it basically means to strive or contend. It is used in the sense of physical combat either between men or a group and it is used here in the Jacob and Laban incident in the sense of verbal combat, meaning, to quarrel or to chide on another.In other words, Jacob had really been provoked to anger and it was in that state of anger that he got into a verbal combat with his uncle. Most of what he said to his uncle was true but one can only wonder the tone of voice he used. He was angry, more than anything, at the fact that Laban had come after him - not to mention the way he had been treated by his uncle.
Certainly Jacob might have had a right to be angry but letting his anger get the best of him might not have been the best way to handle the situation.
A lady once came to Billy Sunday and tried to rationalize her angry outbursts. "There's nothing wrong with losing my temper," she said. "I blow up, and then it's all over." "So does a shotgun," Sunday replied, "and look at the damage it leaves behind!"
6. SETTLE THE MATTER PEACEFULLY - 31:44-55
Laban wanted to settle the matter peacefully. Maybe because it was the right thing to do but maybe just to get it over with and be rid of having to deal with this man who had brought him so much heartache.
So how is this done?
a. Be Willing To Surrender Your Rights - 31:43
That is what it sounds like Laban is doing in making this statement. "The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne?" Although this was not really true, Laban seems to be kind of give up in the situation. Technically, his statement amounted to nothing more than him grasping at straws, claiming that everything was his. But even so, he surrenders. I give up. It has been said that "a bulldog can whip a skunk but sometimes it's just not worth the fight" Maybe that is the conclusion that Laban came to. Maybe he figured that it was no use in arguing the point. And so he surrendered.
In the summer of 1986, two ships collided in the Black Sea off the coast of Russia. Hundreds of passengers died as they were hurled into the icy waters below. News of the disaster was further darkened when an investigation revealed the cause of the accident. It wasn't a technology problem like radar malfunction--or even thick fog. The cause was human stubbornness. Each captain was aware of the other ship's presence nearby. Both could have steered clear, but according to news reports, neither captain wanted to give way to the other. Each was too proud to yield first. By the time they came to their senses, it was too late. At some point, somebody has to surrender. And when we don't is usually when we crash and burn.
b. Come to a Harmonious Agreement
And that was done in this case by the two making a covenant. The covenant was made in a customary manner in which they promised not to harm one another. "The covenant was ratified by a heap of stones being laid in a circular pile, to serve as seats, and in the center of this circle a large stone was set up perpendicularly for an altar. It is probable that a sacrifice was first offered and then that the feast of reconciliation was partaken of by both parties, seated on the stones around it." (Critical and Experimental Commentary on Genesis - Deuteronomy, Vol. 1 Rev. Robert Jamieson, p. 212) And when they had concluded with making the covenant, they parted company in a peaceful manner.That which could have easily turned into a real battle, was put to rest by settling the matter peacefully.
CONCLUSION
C. Swindoll in his book The Grace Awakening, Word, 1990, p. 173ff offers some helpful advice on how to turn a disagreement into a feud - advice that none should follow:
We cannot always avoid conflict but we can deal with it in a way that is honoring to the Lord.